I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
