Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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