I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
