I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
