bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize