I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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