I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
