the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i think i have two assholes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
