The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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