Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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