I wish I could teleport
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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