Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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