I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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