update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
