What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
