First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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