I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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