So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize