this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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