on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
