I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
