Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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