I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
People with herpes should wear stickers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
