I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
