you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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