Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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