He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
