I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
