why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
