I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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