My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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