Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
