I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize