Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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