i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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