Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
