I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
