The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
