The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
