i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
