You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
