i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
