just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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