Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
