Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
