is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it's like heaven, but drunker
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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