I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
