dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
