You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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