Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
