Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
