I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
