everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
