when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
