I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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