3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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