I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
