I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
