Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
