My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
