I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
