So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
