no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
